Whoosh!

Dang, so much has happened. I am beginning my Pred taper today, I have taken 20 mg today instead of 40. So far the first thing is I feel way calmer. I don't have the angry pants on lol. That's a good sign. Bad signs are that my BM got a little looser since I took it. So that's a bummer. But also I knew that was going to happen. So, I am a little nervous now, but I gotta keep my head on straight and keep trying to work this thing out.


UC is a tough thing for sure. I have been working on SCD diet for about 12 days now, I am honestly unsure if I am doing anything right on it. Or if I'm wasting my time. I do feel like I have felt pretty good lately, but the Pred taper is the test. So I really am pretty nervous. I may have to switch gears if it starts going backwards. I am kinda unsure what I would do honestly. 


My life is really overwhelming right now I have to say. It seems foggy a lot of the time like I am unsure what I'm doing. Drugs seem to mask things pretty well. But, emotionally I don't feel like I am connecting with my family anymore, I feel like they are separate from me in a lot of ways now. It seems like I am this kind of odd ball out now, because they basically can do whatever and I have a strict diet so, unfortunately it does separate you out.


It's not that its a negative, but it is super weird. I feel like I have to hide food and things. and write my name on everything and be like crazy about it. But maybe I was more crazy because of my higher dose of prednisone. But, you know, I do need the help right now from my parents so if I can just be calm somehow with them it would be good.


I am absolutely dying to move out though. I am so sick of living at home it like makes me sicker. haha the sad part is that is true. I experience more symptoms at home. My stress is like ahhhh. I just feel like I can't breathe in my house. I have felt this way for 2 years. It's almost like I want to pack up and move out of state. Just get out somewhere. And figure out my disease alone. But here is the catch, I have to take expensive ass meds. So that is a huge intimidator to me because affording that is going to be pretty tough for me. Especially when I don't have insurance anymore in 2 years, shit may hit the fan there. 


I do feel very lost in life at times. I don't see where I am going a lot of the time. I am a hair stylist but it's like I haven't done hair in a month or something. I miss that a lot. I know the chemicals suck, but the passion is really uplifting to me. So I am struggling with purpose right now.


My focus of course has been diet, how can it not be, what else am I gonna do all day? I just sit around. I like to cook though, so that's a plus, because if I didn't this would really suck.


I am also weary of my relationship at this time. It seems like my life is always this big deal between us. I wish it wasn't. I feel like for a 24 year old I have a shit ton happening. Money sucks too, haha. I can't seem to get over the fact that right now my parents have to buy me basically everything I need. It really is not empowering to know you can't even go the grocery store on your own because you have no money. I have to ask for money all the time. They don't mind but I do! I feel like a tard. Anyways, things are intense, but on the flip side, even if my bm's get worse, prednisone was making me insane. and I see that now, and yikes. lol.