Saturday morning. The week has been pretty intense. So far, I have been playing into my cravings all week. I haven't eaten healthy! Except last night. I did and I was very happy about it. I was going to do SCD diet religiously until I realized it wasn't gonna fit my personality. I decided to stick with my naturopath instead. He seems to have a good program for me, that isn't so damn restrictive. I do have restrictions on myself I still follow though. Which is good.
This is a tough place in life I have to say. It has to be the most confusing thing I have ever gone through. I feel like a spectacle in my house as well haha. Everyone is like watching me constantly it seems. The eyes are always on me, What's Christine eating, is she freaking out blah blah. That's not the funnest thing ever, but when you live at home that's how it is. I definitely can't wait to move out of my house some day. I feel suffocated at home for sure.
I do need my parent's support at this time in life though, so I can't worry too much about being independent.
Recently I learned how much food controls my life. And how obnoxious that is when my stomach hates a lot of the food I was eating all week. The problem is starch. Going to town with sugar, starches, etc. The issue I have is I can't just have a little bit. I have to have a TON if I eat that stuff. So that is tough for me. Also, having to watch other people eat whatever they want is annoying. But every day, I'm learning to be numb to this. Because the way certain food affects my colon right now doesn't really make it that appetizing. The taste is great but the after effect SUCKS. I have to spend a whole night getting over hell sometimes. That's dumb. What is the point.
Emotion. Oh my gosh, I could write five hundred pages on emotion. I am SO driven this way. So of course, food is connected. Food and emotion for me are best friends. They define each other. Shit, food defines me! I have to break this habit for sure. It's so weird to think about food SO much. No one else I know has to the way I do. Except for my mom. It's nice because she has to watch her diet too. So I don't feel so alone.
Maybe being alone isn't so bad. Maybe its ok to be different. I never was like everyone else anyway. NEVER. I always had my own agenda. The way funny thing about SCD not working for me is its just because I don't like to be told what to do. My diet plan is Christine. That's what I'm gonna call it. I'm gonna go with my gut and eat what it asks for. That sounds funny but I think that's all I have to do. I don't think I need a book to tell me what's good and bad.
Obviously pizza is bad. DUH. haha. Who needs a book to know processed foods aren't good for you. No one. Do I really need to eat cupcakes all day? Sure, it makes me happy, but then I don't sleep. Cuz I'm pooping all night. Yes I said that. So, there it is. Moderation is the hardest lesson to learn. FOR SURE. It's intense. But, doing things my own way is the best way to do it. Like I say, I really don't need a book to tell me what to eat. Because its not a secret what is good and bad. I am not a normal american who eats cheeseburgers all day and thinking its good for you. I know better than that anyways.
So my life is tough right now, but maybe it doesn't have to be. I don't have to look at it like that. I can seriously look at it as a new adventure. So I say fuck these diets. I am making my own. I'm sure its gonna be close to it but I don't have to do what ever a stupid book says. Or other people with my condition. Because I'm not a book, and I'm not other people. I'm Christine. And my system is different than others. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. But I do want to feel better. And I don't want to be sick anymore. So that's why I need to cook and eat healthy. Even if it's so boring. Boring is better than sick.
So today, my mom and me are going to go around downtown. I'm excited. It should be a fun time. We are both going through some crazy things right now that no one in my family understands. They like to give us shit about it if we get upset which I think is funny since they have no worries compared to us. But I can't say that either because everyone has problems. I don't see my UC as a problem all the time, it just is how it is. I can't sit there drinking beer all day, but it really never gave me anything anyways. Just a fat ass. And acne. So really. I don't have much to lose by eating healthier.
I just need to get a little creative with cooking. It's gonna be annoying, but it's also gonna give me some feel goods in my gut. Then I can work on getting off these drugs eventually. That's the part that sucks. I have to take ten thousand pills a day. Which I can't afford at all. My parents are covering everything. :( I wish I had the money and resources it makes me feel inferior. But I don't have a choice, I don't have health insurance on my own. But, it is what it is. My main goal right now is overcome my addiction to sugar/carbs. Just to get over it, and get past it. That is my main thing. And to stop talking about it to people because they don't understand anyways.
I have to stop worrying about the social aspects of eating. Because it really doesn't matter if the food you are eating makes you feel like shit. And no one else is like me, so they don't have to worry. Now, I only mean people I know, I know there are so many people with UC out there. That's what keeps me going is to know that I'm not the only one who has to sacrifice my sweet tooth. So many do. But, it brings the healing. So that's a good thing.
Amen, this was a bit of a vent fest but then again, I need somewhere to put my emotions. My computer is better than my family's ears all day long. haha. I'm on my path. On the way. Even if I take my own way there, I'm still heading there. <3
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