Dang, so much has happened. I am beginning my Pred taper today, I have taken 20 mg today instead of 40. So far the first thing is I feel way calmer. I don't have the angry pants on lol. That's a good sign. Bad signs are that my BM got a little looser since I took it. So that's a bummer. But also I knew that was going to happen. So, I am a little nervous now, but I gotta keep my head on straight and keep trying to work this thing out.
UC is a tough thing for sure. I have been working on SCD diet for about 12 days now, I am honestly unsure if I am doing anything right on it. Or if I'm wasting my time. I do feel like I have felt pretty good lately, but the Pred taper is the test. So I really am pretty nervous. I may have to switch gears if it starts going backwards. I am kinda unsure what I would do honestly.
My life is really overwhelming right now I have to say. It seems foggy a lot of the time like I am unsure what I'm doing. Drugs seem to mask things pretty well. But, emotionally I don't feel like I am connecting with my family anymore, I feel like they are separate from me in a lot of ways now. It seems like I am this kind of odd ball out now, because they basically can do whatever and I have a strict diet so, unfortunately it does separate you out.
It's not that its a negative, but it is super weird. I feel like I have to hide food and things. and write my name on everything and be like crazy about it. But maybe I was more crazy because of my higher dose of prednisone. But, you know, I do need the help right now from my parents so if I can just be calm somehow with them it would be good.
I am absolutely dying to move out though. I am so sick of living at home it like makes me sicker. haha the sad part is that is true. I experience more symptoms at home. My stress is like ahhhh. I just feel like I can't breathe in my house. I have felt this way for 2 years. It's almost like I want to pack up and move out of state. Just get out somewhere. And figure out my disease alone. But here is the catch, I have to take expensive ass meds. So that is a huge intimidator to me because affording that is going to be pretty tough for me. Especially when I don't have insurance anymore in 2 years, shit may hit the fan there.
I do feel very lost in life at times. I don't see where I am going a lot of the time. I am a hair stylist but it's like I haven't done hair in a month or something. I miss that a lot. I know the chemicals suck, but the passion is really uplifting to me. So I am struggling with purpose right now.
My focus of course has been diet, how can it not be, what else am I gonna do all day? I just sit around. I like to cook though, so that's a plus, because if I didn't this would really suck.
I am also weary of my relationship at this time. It seems like my life is always this big deal between us. I wish it wasn't. I feel like for a 24 year old I have a shit ton happening. Money sucks too, haha. I can't seem to get over the fact that right now my parents have to buy me basically everything I need. It really is not empowering to know you can't even go the grocery store on your own because you have no money. I have to ask for money all the time. They don't mind but I do! I feel like a tard. Anyways, things are intense, but on the flip side, even if my bm's get worse, prednisone was making me insane. and I see that now, and yikes. lol.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
On, Off, On, Off... On.
Saturday morning. The week has been pretty intense. So far, I have been playing into my cravings all week. I haven't eaten healthy! Except last night. I did and I was very happy about it. I was going to do SCD diet religiously until I realized it wasn't gonna fit my personality. I decided to stick with my naturopath instead. He seems to have a good program for me, that isn't so damn restrictive. I do have restrictions on myself I still follow though. Which is good.
This is a tough place in life I have to say. It has to be the most confusing thing I have ever gone through. I feel like a spectacle in my house as well haha. Everyone is like watching me constantly it seems. The eyes are always on me, What's Christine eating, is she freaking out blah blah. That's not the funnest thing ever, but when you live at home that's how it is. I definitely can't wait to move out of my house some day. I feel suffocated at home for sure.
I do need my parent's support at this time in life though, so I can't worry too much about being independent.
Recently I learned how much food controls my life. And how obnoxious that is when my stomach hates a lot of the food I was eating all week. The problem is starch. Going to town with sugar, starches, etc. The issue I have is I can't just have a little bit. I have to have a TON if I eat that stuff. So that is tough for me. Also, having to watch other people eat whatever they want is annoying. But every day, I'm learning to be numb to this. Because the way certain food affects my colon right now doesn't really make it that appetizing. The taste is great but the after effect SUCKS. I have to spend a whole night getting over hell sometimes. That's dumb. What is the point.
Emotion. Oh my gosh, I could write five hundred pages on emotion. I am SO driven this way. So of course, food is connected. Food and emotion for me are best friends. They define each other. Shit, food defines me! I have to break this habit for sure. It's so weird to think about food SO much. No one else I know has to the way I do. Except for my mom. It's nice because she has to watch her diet too. So I don't feel so alone.
Maybe being alone isn't so bad. Maybe its ok to be different. I never was like everyone else anyway. NEVER. I always had my own agenda. The way funny thing about SCD not working for me is its just because I don't like to be told what to do. My diet plan is Christine. That's what I'm gonna call it. I'm gonna go with my gut and eat what it asks for. That sounds funny but I think that's all I have to do. I don't think I need a book to tell me what's good and bad.
Obviously pizza is bad. DUH. haha. Who needs a book to know processed foods aren't good for you. No one. Do I really need to eat cupcakes all day? Sure, it makes me happy, but then I don't sleep. Cuz I'm pooping all night. Yes I said that. So, there it is. Moderation is the hardest lesson to learn. FOR SURE. It's intense. But, doing things my own way is the best way to do it. Like I say, I really don't need a book to tell me what to eat. Because its not a secret what is good and bad. I am not a normal american who eats cheeseburgers all day and thinking its good for you. I know better than that anyways.
So my life is tough right now, but maybe it doesn't have to be. I don't have to look at it like that. I can seriously look at it as a new adventure. So I say fuck these diets. I am making my own. I'm sure its gonna be close to it but I don't have to do what ever a stupid book says. Or other people with my condition. Because I'm not a book, and I'm not other people. I'm Christine. And my system is different than others. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. But I do want to feel better. And I don't want to be sick anymore. So that's why I need to cook and eat healthy. Even if it's so boring. Boring is better than sick.
So today, my mom and me are going to go around downtown. I'm excited. It should be a fun time. We are both going through some crazy things right now that no one in my family understands. They like to give us shit about it if we get upset which I think is funny since they have no worries compared to us. But I can't say that either because everyone has problems. I don't see my UC as a problem all the time, it just is how it is. I can't sit there drinking beer all day, but it really never gave me anything anyways. Just a fat ass. And acne. So really. I don't have much to lose by eating healthier.
I just need to get a little creative with cooking. It's gonna be annoying, but it's also gonna give me some feel goods in my gut. Then I can work on getting off these drugs eventually. That's the part that sucks. I have to take ten thousand pills a day. Which I can't afford at all. My parents are covering everything. :( I wish I had the money and resources it makes me feel inferior. But I don't have a choice, I don't have health insurance on my own. But, it is what it is. My main goal right now is overcome my addiction to sugar/carbs. Just to get over it, and get past it. That is my main thing. And to stop talking about it to people because they don't understand anyways.
I have to stop worrying about the social aspects of eating. Because it really doesn't matter if the food you are eating makes you feel like shit. And no one else is like me, so they don't have to worry. Now, I only mean people I know, I know there are so many people with UC out there. That's what keeps me going is to know that I'm not the only one who has to sacrifice my sweet tooth. So many do. But, it brings the healing. So that's a good thing.
Amen, this was a bit of a vent fest but then again, I need somewhere to put my emotions. My computer is better than my family's ears all day long. haha. I'm on my path. On the way. Even if I take my own way there, I'm still heading there. <3
This is a tough place in life I have to say. It has to be the most confusing thing I have ever gone through. I feel like a spectacle in my house as well haha. Everyone is like watching me constantly it seems. The eyes are always on me, What's Christine eating, is she freaking out blah blah. That's not the funnest thing ever, but when you live at home that's how it is. I definitely can't wait to move out of my house some day. I feel suffocated at home for sure.
I do need my parent's support at this time in life though, so I can't worry too much about being independent.
Recently I learned how much food controls my life. And how obnoxious that is when my stomach hates a lot of the food I was eating all week. The problem is starch. Going to town with sugar, starches, etc. The issue I have is I can't just have a little bit. I have to have a TON if I eat that stuff. So that is tough for me. Also, having to watch other people eat whatever they want is annoying. But every day, I'm learning to be numb to this. Because the way certain food affects my colon right now doesn't really make it that appetizing. The taste is great but the after effect SUCKS. I have to spend a whole night getting over hell sometimes. That's dumb. What is the point.
Emotion. Oh my gosh, I could write five hundred pages on emotion. I am SO driven this way. So of course, food is connected. Food and emotion for me are best friends. They define each other. Shit, food defines me! I have to break this habit for sure. It's so weird to think about food SO much. No one else I know has to the way I do. Except for my mom. It's nice because she has to watch her diet too. So I don't feel so alone.
Maybe being alone isn't so bad. Maybe its ok to be different. I never was like everyone else anyway. NEVER. I always had my own agenda. The way funny thing about SCD not working for me is its just because I don't like to be told what to do. My diet plan is Christine. That's what I'm gonna call it. I'm gonna go with my gut and eat what it asks for. That sounds funny but I think that's all I have to do. I don't think I need a book to tell me what's good and bad.
Obviously pizza is bad. DUH. haha. Who needs a book to know processed foods aren't good for you. No one. Do I really need to eat cupcakes all day? Sure, it makes me happy, but then I don't sleep. Cuz I'm pooping all night. Yes I said that. So, there it is. Moderation is the hardest lesson to learn. FOR SURE. It's intense. But, doing things my own way is the best way to do it. Like I say, I really don't need a book to tell me what to eat. Because its not a secret what is good and bad. I am not a normal american who eats cheeseburgers all day and thinking its good for you. I know better than that anyways.
So my life is tough right now, but maybe it doesn't have to be. I don't have to look at it like that. I can seriously look at it as a new adventure. So I say fuck these diets. I am making my own. I'm sure its gonna be close to it but I don't have to do what ever a stupid book says. Or other people with my condition. Because I'm not a book, and I'm not other people. I'm Christine. And my system is different than others. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. But I do want to feel better. And I don't want to be sick anymore. So that's why I need to cook and eat healthy. Even if it's so boring. Boring is better than sick.
So today, my mom and me are going to go around downtown. I'm excited. It should be a fun time. We are both going through some crazy things right now that no one in my family understands. They like to give us shit about it if we get upset which I think is funny since they have no worries compared to us. But I can't say that either because everyone has problems. I don't see my UC as a problem all the time, it just is how it is. I can't sit there drinking beer all day, but it really never gave me anything anyways. Just a fat ass. And acne. So really. I don't have much to lose by eating healthier.
I just need to get a little creative with cooking. It's gonna be annoying, but it's also gonna give me some feel goods in my gut. Then I can work on getting off these drugs eventually. That's the part that sucks. I have to take ten thousand pills a day. Which I can't afford at all. My parents are covering everything. :( I wish I had the money and resources it makes me feel inferior. But I don't have a choice, I don't have health insurance on my own. But, it is what it is. My main goal right now is overcome my addiction to sugar/carbs. Just to get over it, and get past it. That is my main thing. And to stop talking about it to people because they don't understand anyways.
I have to stop worrying about the social aspects of eating. Because it really doesn't matter if the food you are eating makes you feel like shit. And no one else is like me, so they don't have to worry. Now, I only mean people I know, I know there are so many people with UC out there. That's what keeps me going is to know that I'm not the only one who has to sacrifice my sweet tooth. So many do. But, it brings the healing. So that's a good thing.
Amen, this was a bit of a vent fest but then again, I need somewhere to put my emotions. My computer is better than my family's ears all day long. haha. I'm on my path. On the way. Even if I take my own way there, I'm still heading there. <3
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Up All Night
Good morning. I have slept 4 hours tonight. Not my usual but the good news is I'm finally working on my blog! Everything is insane lately. I have having a huge awakening in life every day. This next Friday I am turning 24 and I can't believe the chain of events lately.
For a recap, almost 3 months ago now, I got sick. I had no idea what was going on. Through a lot of trying to figure it out, ending up in the hospital for a week, and doing a colonoscopy, I learned I have Ulcerative Colitis. That was pretty heavy. So that's where my mind has been lately.
I was removed from my job as a hairdresser, I had to relearn how to be a human being basically. The exciting news is things are going well, finally. I am currently on a steroid, Prednisone, to stop the inflammation. While it is fabulous, I still can tell when I eat food that isn't ok. Which blows my mind, but that is a very good thing.
Ok, so what have I done to help. I was going to do this diet called the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, but realized it was not something I was prepared to commit to. Every time I tried to start it, which has been about 3 times now, I seem to go backwards and get sicker. Which blows my mind. But, that's what happened.
Instead, I have found a naturopathic doctor named Scott Jewkes to work with. What I love about this is A, my parents are helping pay for it because god knows I have no job currently and I could never afford him. (Thank god for family). B, I can see him in person so I feel more connected to someone to consult with. and C, we are also doing acupuncture which is fantastic for this kind of stuff. So yay! Exciting.
Currently, he has me taking PB8 Probiotic, and 2 homeopathic supplements I love. Then he shoots me in the hip with another medicine. I love it, I don't know what it all exactly does, but I love it so far.
The goal is to lower my medication, (I currently take 4 Lialda pills a day which cost some crazy price of $500 a month without insurance..?) get me off the steroid, and allergy test me to see what foods may trigger my colitis to flare. So I am excited. Through all the struggle, I actually am having a great summer. And in a week and a half ish I am going to Lake Powell for a week which is SO exciting. I am so pumped to get away. Things are looking up for sure. No doubt about it.
What I can say is through hard experiences you learn how to fight for your life, and you want to! I used to stress about the DUMBEST things EVER.
Ever since my colitis, my relationship with my boyfriend, Zach, which has been going on since New Years of 2008, is way better. We don't fight, honestly its about 5% of the time. We used to fight about 80% of the time. I used to be the most JEALOUS girlfriend. Now, I don't worry about it. I don't worry because it doesn't matter. If he loves me, which he does, he will stay with me. And if not, then you deal with it then. I have a knack for worrying about the future, but it just doesn't help me. Too stressful.
Zach is currently apprenticing with his dad with the PGA golf tournament at Willow Creek Country Club. So I don't see him often right now, but I'm SO proud of him for working so hard. I think it's very nice. He is finding his way. He recently turned 25! So lots of exciting things are happening in life right now.
I can say that I have found a new look on life, and excited to live. Also, through my sickness, I revamped my love for hair. I can't wait to get back in the salon and start styling again I'm dreaming about it zzzzz. That's great!! I used to stress about that too.
Bottom line, Stress is the devil, and I have decided not to go that way anymore. I want to live a loooong time, and stress is the one thing that makes that difficult. So here I am, Christine, 24 almost (next Friday!), ready to be an amazing hairstylist, happy girlfriend, happy kid. Thankful for a family who cares, and supports my poor ass! Life is good. Through pain, we learn to live and love, so cliche sounding, but once you've hit a near death experience, you start to notice all the little things about life that rock that you weren't seeing before.
Here's a kick off to a great rest of the summer!
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